Dec. 8, 2025

Why Some Students Only Show Up When School Counselors Are Trying to Leave

Why Some Students Only Show Up When School Counselors Are Trying to Leave

Why do some students wait until school counselors are walking out the door before they finally open up?

It’s not randomness, and it’s definitely not manipulation. It’s nervous system timing, and understanding it will change the way you interpret those 3:24 p.m. confessions forever.

In this episode, Steph Johnson breaks down the neurobiology behind “drive-by disclosures” and explains why so many students can only share the hard stuff after the bell rings. You’ll learn:

• Why nervous system safety rises at the end of the school day
• How control and autonomy shape when students speak
• The role attachment patterns play in last-minute disclosures
• How to tell the difference between a disclosure and a true crisis
• What to do in the moment- without sacrificing your boundaries

Most importantly, you’ll hear a grounded, clinical explanation of why students trust you most at the exact moment you feel least available.

If you’ve ever wondered, “Why now?” this episode finally gives you the answer.

*********************************

Want support with real-world strategies that actually work on your campus? We’re doing that every day in the School for School Counselors Mastermind. Come join us! 

*********************************

All names, stories, and case studies in this episode are fictionalized composites drawn from real-world circumstances. Any resemblance to actual students, families, or school personnel is coincidental. Details have been altered to protect privacy.


00:00 - The Jolt At 3:24 P.M.

02:51 - Biology, Not Manipulation

05:16 - Safety, Neurosception, And Timing

08:26 - Control, Autonomy, And Toe Dips

11:16 - Attachment Patterns In The Clock

13:21 - The Silent Students We Miss

15:21 - Your Body’s Reaction And Co‑Regulation

17:26 - Contain Vs Crisis: Practical Scripts

WEBVTT

00:00:13.919 --> 00:00:15.519
You know all about this.

00:00:15.839 --> 00:00:18.320
It's 324 in the afternoon.

00:00:18.399 --> 00:00:19.920
The buses are humming.

00:00:20.160 --> 00:00:28.239
And just as you're thinking about escaping and finally going home, you hear, hey, do you have a minute?

00:00:28.480 --> 00:00:30.719
Or I don't want to go home.

00:00:30.960 --> 00:00:37.920
And you freeze because you suspect this is not going to be just a quick chat.

00:00:39.120 --> 00:00:43.040
You know that feeling that shoots through you in that moment.

00:00:43.439 --> 00:00:45.280
It's like a jolt, right?

00:00:45.359 --> 00:00:46.959
And the instant alert.

00:00:47.200 --> 00:00:51.359
And your brain starts calculating, what am I up against?

00:00:51.519 --> 00:00:52.959
And what do I do now?

00:00:53.120 --> 00:00:56.879
And your heart is going, please, not today.

00:00:58.000 --> 00:01:01.920
You've probably felt that mix in your career before.

00:01:02.159 --> 00:01:08.319
Compassion mixed with panic, with a little frustration and maybe even some guilt.

00:01:08.560 --> 00:01:12.960
And they all swirl together like a tornado all at once.

00:01:13.280 --> 00:01:17.760
It is the school counselor's version of emotional whiplash.

00:01:18.320 --> 00:01:21.439
But here's the thing that nobody talks about.

00:01:21.760 --> 00:01:23.840
Those moments aren't random.

00:01:24.159 --> 00:01:31.600
That timing, those last few minutes of the day, those disclosures aren't coincidence.

00:01:31.840 --> 00:01:36.960
They're perfectly timed by students' nervous systems themselves.

00:01:37.439 --> 00:01:40.400
And here's what I'll tell you that nobody else will.

00:01:40.960 --> 00:01:55.040
Sometimes the best thing that you can do in these situations is not to jump into action, but to say, hey, we'll get to this tomorrow morning and mean it with your entire heart.

00:01:55.280 --> 00:02:00.400
Because not all of those 324 confessions are emergencies.

00:02:00.640 --> 00:02:02.400
They're neurobiology.

00:02:02.640 --> 00:02:07.280
And once you understand the science, everything changes.

00:02:23.520 --> 00:02:29.759
It has less to do with your availability and a whole lot more to do with their biology.

00:02:30.000 --> 00:02:39.280
So if you're ready for some straight talk, my friend, some clarity on your work and maybe a little bit of rebellion, you're gonna be in the right place.

00:02:39.439 --> 00:02:44.560
I'm Steph Johnson, and this is the School for School Counselors podcast.

00:02:46.080 --> 00:02:52.000
All right, so why do they always wait until the last possible second?

00:02:52.719 --> 00:03:04.879
You've been there, you've had your backpack on your shoulder, your keys are in your hand, and then you see a student lingering, and they say, Can I just tell you something real quick?

00:03:05.120 --> 00:03:09.200
And you just know it is not going to be quick.

00:03:10.000 --> 00:03:13.599
That timing is a form of self-protection.

00:03:14.319 --> 00:03:23.439
Adolescents live in a constant tug of war between wanting to tell and being terrified to tell.

00:03:23.759 --> 00:03:28.159
Blakemore and Mills describe this as a neurological conflict.

00:03:28.400 --> 00:03:34.879
The limbic system fuels urgency, but the prefrontal cortex manages foresight.

00:03:35.360 --> 00:03:39.280
During the chaos of the school day, the emotion usually wins.

00:03:39.439 --> 00:03:51.360
But by the final bell, when the noise starts dissipating, when the people start filing out of the building, their body quiets just enough for reason to catch up.

00:03:51.599 --> 00:03:56.000
And that's when their brain says, okay, you can do this now.

00:03:56.960 --> 00:04:01.039
So when you hear, hey, do you have a second at 324?

00:04:01.439 --> 00:04:02.400
Understand this.

00:04:02.640 --> 00:04:04.719
It's not manipulation.

00:04:05.200 --> 00:04:10.080
It sometimes feels like it, but what it really is is biology.

00:04:10.319 --> 00:04:16.560
It's because their nervous system has finally given them the permission to speak.

00:04:16.959 --> 00:04:29.519
So remember in the hoodie episode, which was the last one before this, when we talked about polyvagal theory and how the nervous system has to feel safe before it can connect.

00:04:29.839 --> 00:04:33.199
This is the same principle, different timing.

00:04:33.599 --> 00:04:39.359
Stephen Porgis explains that under stress, our body stays in fight, flight, or freeze.

00:04:39.679 --> 00:04:43.039
For many students, that's the whole school day, right?

00:04:43.199 --> 00:04:50.399
Crowded halls, loud cafeterias, constant social navigation, and academic pressures.

00:04:50.719 --> 00:04:55.039
But when the building starts to quiet, something shifts.

00:04:55.359 --> 00:05:03.519
Their body slips toward what Porgis calls ventral vagal calm, the state that allows connection and vulnerability.

00:05:03.839 --> 00:05:08.639
And when that calm finally appears, so does the truth.

00:05:09.279 --> 00:05:22.239
That's why disclosures tend to cluster either in the last minutes of the day or right before an extended break, because their body is finally saying it is safe enough now.

00:05:23.119 --> 00:05:30.239
For trauma-exposed students, this may be the only daily window where vulnerability is even possible.

00:05:30.959 --> 00:05:39.279
I remember I had a student once who hovered at my doorway every day while everyone else was walking out the doors.

00:05:39.679 --> 00:05:41.599
She wasn't waiting for me.

00:05:42.000 --> 00:05:46.000
She was waiting for her nervous system to let her speak.

00:05:46.560 --> 00:05:53.359
And as Dan Siegel teaches, the brain has to feel safe before it can engage, even in curiosity.

00:05:53.599 --> 00:05:56.639
And at 324, it finally can.

00:05:57.679 --> 00:06:04.319
So if safety is the key, why don't students show up earlier?

00:06:04.639 --> 00:06:08.799
Like lunch or a free block or a passing period.

00:06:09.359 --> 00:06:12.399
Because safety isn't just about you.

00:06:13.439 --> 00:06:16.000
Safety is about the context.

00:06:16.399 --> 00:06:18.959
Porgis calls this neurosception.

00:06:19.119 --> 00:06:23.439
It's our body's unconscious scan for safety or danger.

00:06:23.759 --> 00:06:28.399
During the day, even if you're safe, the context may not be.

00:06:28.719 --> 00:06:30.639
Someone might overhear, right?

00:06:30.879 --> 00:06:37.839
Someone might question where the student is, the bell might interrupt them, or a peer might see them walk into your office.

00:06:38.159 --> 00:06:44.799
But at 324, the building empties, the witnesses disappear, and the day ends anyway.

00:06:45.119 --> 00:06:48.479
So the situation finally feels safe enough.

00:06:48.799 --> 00:06:54.319
And here's the part of all of this that is fascinating but also frustrating.

00:06:54.879 --> 00:06:59.519
Students don't choose this moment despite your limited time.

00:07:00.159 --> 00:07:02.719
They choose it because of it.

00:07:04.399 --> 00:07:15.519
If they provide a disclosure at 10 a.m., there's still time for meetings and calls and consequences and follow-up, and they might not be ready for that.

00:07:15.759 --> 00:07:20.000
But at 324, there is a built-in exit.

00:07:20.239 --> 00:07:23.919
It's disclosure, but with a safety net.

00:07:24.399 --> 00:07:28.959
They can unburden themselves without losing control over what comes next.

00:07:29.279 --> 00:07:36.799
Lisa Damore calls this testing the temperature of the water, a toe dip before they dive on in.

00:07:37.359 --> 00:07:40.560
So this limited window isn't a bug.

00:07:51.439 --> 00:07:57.519
Self-determination theory shows that even small choices enhance well-being and reduce stress.

00:07:57.759 --> 00:08:03.439
And choosing the timing of a confession is one of the few things that students can control.

00:08:04.639 --> 00:08:11.199
I had a student once who waited until the very end of the day to tell me that her family was moving.

00:08:11.759 --> 00:08:16.079
She had relief as well as regret on her face.

00:08:16.719 --> 00:08:20.560
She shared her information with me on her terms.

00:08:20.799 --> 00:08:23.279
And honestly, that was her right.

00:08:24.000 --> 00:08:34.000
And for many students, this is also a test because attachment research shows that adolescents don't stop seeking connection.

00:08:34.159 --> 00:08:36.240
They just seek it indirectly.

00:08:36.480 --> 00:08:39.360
They don't walk up to you and ask, do you care about me?

00:08:39.600 --> 00:08:45.200
They ask, what happens if I tell you something at the worst possible time?

00:08:47.200 --> 00:08:54.000
So if you stay regulated and responsive, they learn, hey, I matter even when it's not convenient.

00:08:54.399 --> 00:08:58.000
So they may not necessarily be trying to make your day harder.

00:08:58.160 --> 00:09:02.080
They may be checking to see whether you are still safe.

00:09:02.399 --> 00:09:04.320
Hey, you know what's wild?

00:09:04.560 --> 00:09:13.360
When I teach this inside the School for School Counselors Mastermind, counselors always say, I thought I was the only one dealing with this.

00:09:14.720 --> 00:09:16.480
Good news, you're not.

00:09:17.120 --> 00:09:25.600
Hundreds of counselors inside the mastermind are navigating these same 324 disclosures, the tests, the patterns.

00:09:25.840 --> 00:09:31.600
And when you're with people who get all of that, everything starts to change.

00:09:31.840 --> 00:09:35.600
So if you're tired of figuring this out alone, come join us.

00:09:35.759 --> 00:09:39.280
Schoolforschoolcounselors.com slash mastermind.

00:09:39.759 --> 00:09:43.920
All right, so let's talk about patterns too.

00:09:44.320 --> 00:09:51.120
Because when students consistently show up at the same time, that timing tells you something.

00:09:51.519 --> 00:09:59.280
Kids with anxious attachment might test urgency, like, will you still help me when it's inconvenient?

00:09:59.519 --> 00:10:03.680
Kids with avoidant attachment use time limits as protection.

00:10:04.000 --> 00:10:07.280
I'll tell you, but I need an escape route.

00:10:07.759 --> 00:10:12.399
Kids with disorganized attachment may swing between both of those.

00:10:12.720 --> 00:10:20.240
Ever had a kid that shows up the same day every week, and then later you find out at some sort of a custody exchange?

00:10:20.480 --> 00:10:29.600
Yeah, I've had several of those in my career, and I figured out that once I check in with them earlier in the day, the end-of-day drive-by stop.

00:10:30.320 --> 00:10:34.639
Timing tells the story underneath the story.

00:10:34.960 --> 00:10:39.040
But then what about the ones who never tell?

00:10:39.519 --> 00:10:43.600
We also need to think about those students who never disclose.

00:10:44.080 --> 00:10:50.480
Because for every student who drops a confession at 324, many more stay silent.

00:10:50.720 --> 00:10:57.519
And it's not because they don't need help, but because their nervous system never signals safety.

00:10:57.920 --> 00:11:00.000
Vanderkolk writes about this.

00:11:00.240 --> 00:11:07.440
Some students stay in survival mode so long that vulnerability really never feels like an option.

00:11:08.240 --> 00:11:16.960
They're the kids who seem fine, who fly under the radar, and who only come to the surface when something breaks wide open.

00:11:17.920 --> 00:11:19.840
You didn't miss all that stuff.

00:11:20.000 --> 00:11:22.639
It was their body protecting them.

00:11:23.440 --> 00:11:27.519
So we go to those kids with a low pressure presence.

00:11:27.920 --> 00:11:29.280
Hey, how's it going?

00:11:29.840 --> 00:11:33.120
Or I noticed you were kind of quiet today.

00:11:34.080 --> 00:11:36.960
Giving check-ins without expectation.

00:11:37.840 --> 00:11:45.680
Some students are gonna need 50 moments of I see you before they can risk one moment of I need you.

00:11:46.080 --> 00:11:52.160
And your job isn't to force the door open, it's just to stand next to it.

00:11:52.800 --> 00:11:56.399
So we've talked about these end-of-day disclosures.

00:11:56.560 --> 00:12:09.040
We've talked about the science of safety and why students wait until the absolute last minute to tell you, and how students' bodies and brains determine what's safe enough.

00:12:09.759 --> 00:12:17.120
But we also need to acknowledge that when these situations happen, and they will, you feel it too.

00:12:17.519 --> 00:12:24.720
Your chest probably tightens, your thoughts start to race, and sometimes you leave campus feeling absolutely wired.

00:12:25.440 --> 00:12:33.600
D City and Lamb found that witnessing distress activates some of the same neural circuits as experiencing distress.

00:12:34.240 --> 00:12:38.080
Your body jumps into that storm before you even realize it.

00:12:38.480 --> 00:12:50.560
So when you get these end-of-day disclosures, make sure you pause and breathe out slowly, drop your shoulders, maybe even name one feeling for yourself.

00:12:50.960 --> 00:12:55.360
You can't co-regulate anybody from a flooded nervous system, right?

00:12:55.840 --> 00:12:59.280
So protecting your peace isn't selfish.

00:12:59.519 --> 00:13:05.040
It's very, very strategic, especially in moments like these.

00:13:05.600 --> 00:13:09.680
Because here's what's happening in your body at 324.

00:13:10.000 --> 00:13:21.440
Your amygdala pops off, your heart rate spikes, your breathing shortens, and your prefrontal cortex, that's the clear thinking part of your brain, it kind of goes offline a little bit.

00:13:21.680 --> 00:13:28.800
And that urge to fix everything instantly is your nervous system mirroring theirs.

00:13:29.600 --> 00:13:36.480
If you respond from that state, you will not be co-regulating, you'll be co-escalating.

00:13:36.800 --> 00:13:41.280
Dan Siegel calls this catching someone's emotional state.

00:13:41.519 --> 00:13:44.240
So before you respond, take a breath.

00:13:44.560 --> 00:13:51.200
In for four, hold for four, and out for six.

00:13:52.000 --> 00:14:00.240
It brings your thinking brain back online and creates just enough space to respond instead of react.

00:14:00.480 --> 00:14:02.639
So don't skip that.

00:14:03.600 --> 00:14:10.480
Now we've been trained to treat every 324 disclosure like it's a crisis, haven't we?

00:14:10.639 --> 00:14:14.560
But the urgency that we feel in these situations is often ours.

00:14:14.720 --> 00:14:16.000
It's not theirs.

00:14:16.320 --> 00:14:20.000
Students are not showing up asking for a six-minute miracle.

00:14:20.240 --> 00:14:24.800
They're asking you to be a witness to what is heavy.

00:14:25.040 --> 00:14:34.639
And when we start rushing through these situations, we undermine what they're really testing, which is can you stay calm when I can't?

00:14:35.680 --> 00:14:44.480
So here's your reminder that sometimes the most therapeutic thing that you can say is tomorrow morning.

00:14:45.360 --> 00:14:51.360
Containing the problem is not neglect, it's professionalism.

00:14:52.000 --> 00:14:56.240
And care does not have to equal chaos.

00:14:57.360 --> 00:15:04.720
Let's get tactical for a minute and talk about what you actually do when one of these moments shows up in your doorway.

00:15:05.120 --> 00:15:11.280
So first, make sure you can tell the difference between disclosure and crisis.

00:15:11.440 --> 00:15:16.080
And I know that sounds silly, but in the moment it is very hard to do.

00:15:16.399 --> 00:15:20.800
A disclosure means I need you to know this exists.

00:15:21.280 --> 00:15:25.759
A crisis is I need you to do something right now.

00:15:26.320 --> 00:15:31.680
Disclosure feels like relief, but crisis feels like escalation.

00:15:31.840 --> 00:15:34.320
It gets bigger as it unfolds.

00:15:34.639 --> 00:15:36.560
Trust your nervous system.

00:15:36.800 --> 00:15:38.800
Y'all, it knows the difference.

00:15:39.040 --> 00:15:44.000
Secondly, you can contain the situation without closing the loop.

00:15:44.399 --> 00:15:48.879
So you could say something like, I'm so glad you felt safe enough to tell me this.

00:15:49.040 --> 00:15:51.440
And I want to make sure we have time to do it right.

00:15:51.759 --> 00:15:54.160
Can we talk about this first thing tomorrow?

00:15:54.399 --> 00:15:58.879
It validates their courage without overextending your bandwidth.

00:15:59.920 --> 00:16:03.360
Third, make sure you document before you leave.

00:16:03.600 --> 00:16:05.759
Even just a quick note to yourself.

00:16:06.000 --> 00:16:13.600
Time, date, brief summary keeps the continuity secure and allows you to let it go until you return to campus.

00:16:13.840 --> 00:16:17.440
It kind of helps keep you from stewing over it all night long.

00:16:17.920 --> 00:16:26.000
And then fourth, make sure that you are reassuring, creating a plan, and that you actually reconnect.

00:16:26.320 --> 00:16:27.440
You did the right thing.

00:16:27.600 --> 00:16:29.120
Here's what happens next.

00:16:29.280 --> 00:16:31.440
I'll find you tomorrow to check in.

00:16:31.759 --> 00:16:34.480
It grounds them in predictability.

00:16:34.720 --> 00:16:39.600
And then again, remember they're going to take their cue from your tone.

00:16:39.840 --> 00:16:41.680
So slow your speech.

00:16:42.000 --> 00:16:47.600
Keep your body language open because your calm is contagious.

00:16:48.399 --> 00:16:51.280
And here's a professional sanity saver.

00:16:52.080 --> 00:17:02.720
I often encourage school counselors in my mastermind to block off small pockets of time at the end of the week and right before and after long breaks.

00:17:03.120 --> 00:17:06.879
Because that's when these kinds of disclosures tend to spike.

00:17:07.119 --> 00:17:13.439
When things slow down, safety rises, and all the unspoken stories start coming up to the surface.

00:17:13.679 --> 00:17:18.240
So instead of being blindsided, plan for it.

00:17:18.720 --> 00:17:23.919
Give yourself a buffer of grace and time to be able to handle them.

00:17:24.879 --> 00:17:25.439
All right.

00:17:25.679 --> 00:17:29.359
So out of all of this, here's what I hope you remember.

00:17:29.759 --> 00:17:34.879
The last-minute confession is not designed to ruin your day.

00:17:35.599 --> 00:17:36.959
It's courage.

00:17:37.199 --> 00:17:40.000
They are not trying to make your day harder.

00:17:40.240 --> 00:17:43.599
They're just proving to you that your presence matters.

00:17:43.839 --> 00:17:52.559
And every time you're able to pause and stay grounded, you teach them and show them what safety really feels like.

00:17:53.039 --> 00:17:57.199
You gotta know they're not dumping their problems on you at the last minute.

00:17:57.439 --> 00:18:00.319
They are delivering proof of trust.

00:18:01.439 --> 00:18:06.159
All right, my friend, those are your 11th hour moments decoded.

00:18:06.399 --> 00:18:07.359
And one last thing.

00:18:07.519 --> 00:18:13.599
If you're thinking of a time that you did not handle one of these situations, well, let it go.

00:18:14.159 --> 00:18:22.319
You're human, you're doing hard work in impossible conditions, and repair is always possible.

00:18:24.000 --> 00:18:28.639
Next time, we're gonna talk about another student mystery.

00:18:28.959 --> 00:18:33.759
Why does every ding dang thing have to turn into a competition?

00:18:35.119 --> 00:18:43.839
But until then, remember, even at 3 24 p.m., you're exactly who your students need most.

00:18:44.319 --> 00:18:45.199
Take care.